War is still hell

I've just finished watching the DVD of The World Wars, a mostly excellent docu-drama about the First and Second World Wars. The History Channel's reputation has taken a bit of a battering in recent years, broadcasting programs of questionable quality, such as Ancient Aliens.

I found it mostly riveting, but it isn't without flaws. It took some licence with the reenactment of the death of Adolf Hitler. The actor playing him is shown standing alone in a room, taking a cyanide pill, and then shooting himself. He actually committed suicide with his mistress, Eva Braun. They died sitting on a couch in a small room in the Fuehrerbunker in Berlin.

The DVD contains additional material, which includes 5-minute biographies of the major players in the Second World War. Hitler's biography has a whopping mistake. It shows a picture of what it asserts is Hitler's dead body after he committed suicide. This picture has been in circulation for years. The man in it, who had a "Hitler" moustache, has never been identified, but it has been conclusively proven that it is not of Hitler. This is very sloppy research, and inexcusable.

Pieces of eight

Film news site Dark Horizons reports that provided that federal government tax incentives are accepted, the next installment in Disney's blockbuster Pirates of the Caribbean franchise may be shot in Australia.

We can only hope that the end result is more successful than the last pirate movie made in Australia, 1982's The Pirate Movie. It starred Christopher Atkins, fresh from his success in The Blue Lagoon, who has now retired from acting to become a businessman, and Kristy McNichol, a prolific actress who has never become a big star. This musical comedy parody version of Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance was a critical and commercial failure upon release.

Since then it has inexplicably developed a loyal fan base through television, VHS and DVD releases. It used famous Victorian landmarks including the 19th century cargo ship, the Polly Woodside, Werribee Park Mansion, and the Loch Ard Gorge and Port Campbell on the Great Ocean Road.

Aside from Atkins and McNichol, most of the cast consisted of Australian actors, such as Bill Kerr, who died in August 2014, Rhonda Burchmore, Ted Hamilton, and Garry McDonald. The two American stars were given top billing in order to secure international finance and distribution, not that it did their careers or the box office haul of the movie much good.

Some movies are so bad as to be unwatchable, but The Pirate Movie is entertaining for its schlock value, and it's the sort of thing you'd watch to pass the time if the weather is bad outside, and if you want to understand why the Australian film industry is at times an embarrassment.


"Pirate Movie" by http://www.impawards.com/1982/pirate_movie.html. Licensed under Fair use via Wikipedia.

http://www.geelongadvertiser.com.au/news/national/pirates-5-could-come-to-australia/story-fnjbnvyf-1227044715873

http://www.geelongadvertiser.com.au/news/geelong/push-to-film-disneys-pirates-of-the-caribbean-at-avalon/story-fnjuhovy-1227044667594

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084504/

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/pirate_movie/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Pirate_Movie

Sad news

To television addicted Generation Xers, he was the voice of Shaggy in the cartoon series Scooby Doo, and Mark, commander of G-Force in Battle of the Planets, the Americanized, sanitized child-friendly version of Tatsunoko Productions' gritty science fiction anime series, Science Ninja Team Gatchaman, and Cliffjumper in the original series of Transformers. On top of that, from 1970 to 1988 he was also the host of radio's American Top 40. I speak of course of Casey Kasem.

I watched some old episodes of Battle of the Planets on DVD recently, which got me thinking about what Kasem has been up to lately. I was saddened to read that Kasem, 82, is suffering from dementia, and that his wife and daughter are involved in a messy legal dispute over his custody and care.

Kasem came across as warm and friendly, and in an interview on the Battle of the Planets DVD, said that it was his favourite of all of the animated series that he worked on. My thoughts and prayers are with him and his family at this difficult time.

Postscript: Kasem died on June 15, 2014. 

I don't wanna be a pirate

In January 2005 I stayed in Quezon City in the Philippines. One of my most vivid memories of that trip was was walking through MegaMall and repeatedly having local traders surreptitiously attempting to offer me pirated DVDs, which of course I refused to buy.

DVD piracy is rampant in Australia. According to the Motion Picture Distributors Association of Australia (MPDAA), illegal DVDs, which are often openly sold at suburban markets and computer swap meets, deprive the film and television industry of an estimated $82 million in lost revenue annually. Law enforcement agencies claim that international organised crime syndicates use film piracy to finance other activities including drug trafficking, terrorism, and prostitution. 

This comes as the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA), which has long been combating film piracy, published a report which alongside markets in the Ukraine, Beijing, Toronto, and Rio, names Caribbean Gardens and Market, a tacky market in suburban Melbourne, as one of the world's worst film piracy hot spots.  

In response to this news, one host of a morning talkback radio program invited his listeners to call and answer the question of whether or not they buy illegal copies of DVDs. One caller justified it because he felt that film companies rip off consumers because cinema tickets are too expensive, and it costs $30.00 to buy a legitimate DVD. Never mind that many retailers and discount home entertainment stores often discount these items, using them as loss leaders to attract customers into their stores, so the consumer rarely has to pay full retail price anyway. $30.00 may be the average recommended retail price of a new release, but as with other technology products, if you're patient the price will eventually come down.

Film piracy costs jobs, funds organised crime, and short changes the consumer by giving them an inferior product and film viewing experience. If you sell or buy illegal copies of films, you are committing theft. 

http://www.3aw.com.au/blogs/neil-mitchell-blog/melbourne-market-rife-after-us-report/20131030-2wetz.html

http://www.gizmodo.com.au/2013/10/mpaa-notorious-melbourne-market-one-of-worlds-worst-piracy-blackspots/

http://www.mpaa.org/resources/833ef688-93e5-4c33-9c17-a2763707f828.pdf

http://www.mpdaa.org.au/customers/mpdaa/mpdaa.nsf/(PDFAnti-Piracy)/AFACT_Consumer_Guide_Piracy_The_Facts.pdf/$FILE/AFACT_Consumer_Guide_Piracy_The_Facts.pdf

5.30 pm weeknights on ABC TV

In younger days my brother and I were avid viewers of the Japanese animated science fiction series Star Blazers, also known as Space Battleship Yamato. Whilst wasting time online one day, I found out that a live action Star Blazers film was released in Japan late last year, and has also been released on DVD and Blu-Ray. Since it looks like an Australian distributor will not be securing the theatrical rights for this film (unless they did but didn't publicise it), it looks like I will have to settle for the DVD. If the trailer is anything to go by, it looks amazing.

A nerdy post

Poster for G.I. Joe: The Movie (1987)

How does one fill in one's leisure time on quiet evenings when you're too tired to do anything constructive like reading or attempting to learn the guitar, and there's nothing worth watching on television? You revisit things from your childhood. Unlike Transformers and My Little Pony, Hasbro's G.I. Joe line never really took off in Australia. In some ways it was a reflection of its time, much like the numerous military themed action films of the era. After the detente of the 1970s, under the Reagan administration the United States embarked on a massive military buildup, resuming the arms race against the Soviet Union, and accordingly pursued a slightly more aggressive foreign policy. The basic premise of G.I. Joe is that Cobra, an evil terrorist organisation, is trying to take over the world, and G.I. Joe is an elite branch of the United States military formed specifically to stop them.



Cover for the G.I. Joe video game

Never having seen the cartoon series as a child, I saw the live action G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra film which was released in 2009. Its director, Stephen Sommers, has a reputation for making fairly forgettable popcorn films, and that about sums up what this film was. Die-hard fans and critics bagged it, but it grossed $302 million worldwide. A few months later, out of curiosity I bought a DVD box set of the animated series from the bargain bin at a Border's store for five dollars. After watching that, I borrowed the second volume from my local public library. Pretty much every episode of the animated series predictably unfolded the same way, with the Joes always stopping Cobra's plots. In keeping with the child-friendly tone, lots of buildings and vehicles are destroyed in battle, but nobody ever gets injured or killed.

Even though it received poor reviews, I bought the Rise of Cobra video game from a bargain bin for $5.00. Considering that the average price for brand new games in Australia is usually $99.00, this is a massive markdown. After playing it, it's easy to see why. It's a fairly average action game. You play through a variety of environments, including forests, deserts, jungles, and frozen tundras, but all you're required to do is manoeuvre your characters around the screen while holding down the shoot button on your controller. The action is punctuated by easily solveable puzzles. It's passable as a bargain bin title, but you'd be pretty annoyed if you'd paid full price for it.

G.I. Joe DVD box set

Now we come to 1987's G.I. Joe: The Movie. After the poor box office performance of the animated Transformers: The Movie, the producers decided against releasing it theatrically. As far as I know, it never made it to Australia. I had to order the DVD from overseas. This film regurgitates the basic plot of the television series, only on a more epic scale. This time Cobra forms an alliance with an alien race to carry out their evil plans. After the negative fan reaction to the death of Optimus Prime, the producers made an obvious last minute change to the script. G.I. Joe leader Duke is seriously injured in battle against Cobra leader Serpentor. Rather than dying like he was supposed to, expository dialogue from the other characters helpfully explains to the viewer that he has merely lapsed into a coma, and later recovers off screen at the end of the film. Other characters are also injured in battle, but not seriously. The plot is fairly unremarkable, but as it was done by a Japanese company, the quality of the animation is quite impressive compared to the television series.

Avert your eyes

The end of a decade is always a time of reflection. Film reviewers from the AV Club have compiled a list of what they consider to be the worst films of the 2000s. You won't find much to disagree with on this list. I'm not alone in saying that I'm glad to see that Battlefield Earth made the list. Back in the days of VHS, my brother Scott and I spent an excruciating 2 hours on a Saturday night watching this film. We made the experience slightly more palatable by making sarcastic comments all the way through.

To summarise, in the year 3000, Earth has been invaded and conquered by giant dreadlocked aliens from the planet Psychlo, who have enslaved the remnants of the human race. One man, Johnny "Goodboy" Tyler (Barry Pepper) is depicted as a quasi-messianic figure. After escaping his alien captors, he assembles a band of resistance fighters who rise up and defeat their alien overlords using jetfighters, which despite having been locked away in a hangar for 1000 years, are still in pristine condition.

Apart from the fact that it's adapted from the novel of the same name by L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology (aka an elaborate scam to rip off gullible, insecure celebrities) you may ask what's wrong with this film? Where do you start?

For one thing, someone should have a quiet word to the film editor, and told him that editing a film is not like editing a book, where for the sake of consistency, you use the same font on every page. Hence the same wipe effect is used for every scene transition. Along with the text crawl during the opening titles, the use of this technique suggests that the producers and director envisioned this film as a science fiction epic in the vein of the Star Wars saga. They were wrong. It's not.

As for the cast, most of the actors make the most of the material they've been given. We haven't heard from Barry Pepper for a while. John Travolta is simply unconvincing as the lead villain, Terl. I've never been a fan of Travolta. Villains are supposed to be evil and menacing, he comes across as fey and campy. By comparison, Kenneth Williams was far more convincing when caled upon to play villains in the Carry On seem films. It can only be assumed that Forest Whitaker only took a role in this film for the pay cheque, or that his agent gave him bad advice. At least he has since become a widely respected and accomplished actor.

The screenplay is largely confusing and incoherent. The plot, such as it is, is riddled with holes. Watching films often requires the viewer to suspend disbelief, but it stretches credibility to ask us to accept that 1000 year old fighter planes are still airworthy. To make matters worse, the dialogue is so bad that you wonder how the actors can recite it keeping a straight face. The Psychlo characters speak using nonsensical compound words like "breathe-gas" and "man-animal." These also appear in Hubbard's novel. Did anyone ever think to tell him this wasn't a very good idea? Apparently not.

Many of the scenes are filmed on an angle and using a blue filter. You can also pick at the bargain basement special effects. The film's grainy look is achieved by having production hands stand out of shot and throw handfuls of dirt across the screen. These elements are supposed to evoke a dystopic vision of the future, but all it does is give the viewer a headache. If you can make it through this film in one sitting, then you should be affirmed for your resilience in the face of adversity. If not, I suggest you write an angry letter to Mr Travolta, and ask him to give you back the two hours of your life that you wasted watching this travesty. It's his vanity project, so he should accept responsibility for inflicting it upon the world. Look for it in the weekly section of your local video store.

Master of illusion

Thanks to the marvel of DVD technology, the nostalgic can now revisit their favourite TV shows from years gone by. The good people at Shock have released the Aussie sketch comedy series Full Frontal, which ran from 1993-1997. My brother Scott and I watched this show regularly when it aired on Thursday nights on Channel 7. It was pretty uneven at times, as most comedy shows are, but it always provided a bit of light relief, which our household needed a bit of at that time, but that's another story. We certainly weren't going to watch ER, which was on Channel 9 in the same timeslot.



Seasons 1 to 3 have been released so far, and it was in Season 3 (1995) that the series hit its stride. Each season has been broken up into 2 volume, 2 disc sets. I started by buying Season 3, Volume 1, which I bought using a discount voucher I received from Borders. Watching this set helped to bring me back in touch with my less serious side.

The show was usually a mixture of sketches that were TV, movie, and music send ups, character based sketches, and others that parodied famous celebrities, such as illusionist David Copperfield. Here's a sample clip from the show, which unlike some of the other material on this set, still holds up well today, ten years after it was first broadcast. Bring on the release of Series 4.

"A pretty cool job..."

Male librarians have a new poster boy, Flynn Carsen, the central character in The Librarian: Quest for the Spear, a comedy adventure film produced by the TNT network in the United States, and now available here in Australia on DVD. Think of Carsen as a geeky, bookish Indiana Jones, and you'll have some idea of what this movie is like.

Carsen (Noah Wyle) is a 30 something perpetual American college student who holds 22 degrees in various disciplines. Eventually one of his professors kicks him out of college, telling him that he needs to leave the confines of academia and experience the real world. Carsen's doting mother, played by Olympia Dukakis, constantly encourages him to get a job, find a girl, and be happy.

Carsen receives a mysterious invitation for an interview at the Metropolitan Public Library. Shortly after Carsen's odd but successful interview, he is shown the true duties of his new job. He discovers that he has become part of a secret order of librarians that has existed for centuries. The purpose of his position is to safeguard historical and often magical artifacts in a secret section of the library. Some of the items Carsen is responsible for are The Ark of the Covenant, a unicorn, the Golden Goose, Pandora'’s Box, Excalibur, the original Mona Lisa, and the Spear of Destiny.

Carsen soon discovers that the job is a little more than he bargained for when one of three parts of the Spear of Destiny is stolen by the evil Serpent Brotherhood cult. Whoever has the complete Spear of Destiny will control the destiny of the entire world. The film follows Carsen as he attempts to locate the remaining two pieces of the Spear of Destiny, preventing the Serpent Brotherhood from possessing all three pieces.

Carsen heads through the Amazon rainforest and the Himalayas, ending up in the legendary Shangri-La with the help of adventurer Nicole Noone (Sonya Walger), a Library employee who blames herself for the death of the last librarian but who resists any friendly feelings for Carsen, at least initially. Carsen is the brains, and Noone is the brawn on their quest, which involves scrapes with waterfalls, headhunters, bridge collapses, and Mayan death traps, all the while evading the attempts of the Brotherhood to kill them both.

Fortunately, Carsen manages to save the world, defeat the Serpent Brotherhood, and prove his merit as the Librarian, while thanks to Nicole, also resolving the issue of his personal life. At the conclusion of his adventures, Flynn is moved to remark, "Being a librarian is actually a pretty cool job." While the adjective "cool" doesn't apply to most librarians, myself included, truer words have never been spoken.